Caring for Your Kids and Your Parents
If you've found yourself responsible for aging parents along with the demands of raising your own children, welcome to the "sandwich generation." You are part of a growing group in America. Here are some tips to help you handle this situation and ways to avoid the stress and burnout that can affect you and your family.
Know when to step in
Look for signs that you may need to get involved with your parents' finances, such as checking account problems, late bill payments, large withdrawals or gifts to unknown charities.
If you see these signs, realize that talking about money or legal issues with your parents can be a delicate situation. Ease into it by sharing something about your own finances or a story of someone you know who died without a will and the problems that ensued, says Dr. Raymond Forgue, coauthor of How to Care for Your Parents' Money While Caring for Your Parents and associate professor in the Department of Family Studies at the University of Kentucky.
When parents do share their financial picture with you, be discreet with the information. "It's a big step to disclose to the child. If that child discloses to someone else, it's a breach of trust," Forgue says.
Determine who in the family is best suited to help with your parents' finances. Ideally it will be someone who understands personal finance, is trusted to take on the responsibility and usually lives nearby, Forgue says. However the siblings work it out, there should be continuous communication within the family.
Maintain balance
Experts say that when you are caring for your parents, it's important to tend to your own needs too. For example, Forgue suggests that when you help your parents sort through their bills, do your own at the same time. That way they can also feel that you are working together, and it can be a chance to have a dialogue about money.
"If at all possible, don't dip into your own retirement savings to take care of your parents," advises Forgue.
Too often, caregivers end up stressed out or in the hospital, says Carol Abaya, who has written extensively about the sandwich generation. "You have to ask for help where help is needed," she says. "You can't take the attitude that 'I can do everything.'" Just like families with small children take advantage of car pools or babysitting from friends, society needs to accept the notion of asking for help in caring for aging parents, Abaya contends.
Get help
If managing your parents' health care, insurance, housing and other issues is too much, consider hiring a professional who specializes in coordinating services for seniors.
A geriatric-care manager will start by assessing medical condition, finances and legal issues. Then he or she will present care options to the family, along with recommended solutions. The goal is to improve the quality of life for the client and reduce the stress on the family, says Debra Levy, a social worker with a certificate in aging and geriatric-care manager in Silver Spring, Maryland.
"In this generation, people are used to calling on consultants and experts," says Levy. "If a busy professional adult child can call on us, then it frees them up to just be family. They can take their parents out for brunch—not run out to get groceries and prescriptions."
Reach out with respect
Approach your new role with the attitude of helping — not taking over. "It should be all about 'How can I help you do what you want to do?' That's being respectful of their wishes," Forgue says.
It's not a complete role reversal. As a child, parents can be the boss. But adult children can't be the boss of their parents. "You become their helper," Forgue says. Remember to let them continue to give you advice — about your job, for instance — so they can continue to feel like a parent.
To find a geriatric-care manager near you, go to the National Association of Professional Geriatric Care Managers at caremanager.org.
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